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21 January 2007 @ 11:41 am
I got a new journal. I need somewhere to post my thoughts and I just feel that I have finally outgrew this journal. If any of my old friends are still out there somewhere and want to become.. reaquainted... add me:

17 July 2006 @ 10:33 pm
So if you get your feelings hurt easily or don't like cursing or will turn your back from here for disagreeing with me, then don't read. I'm not whining. But I am stating a fact. Because I feel so many things right now. Because I am angry, and I need to vent. Then after I vent I can go drink caffiene and be better. >.<

Like I said... if your any of the above... don't read between the lines...


What is wrong with this fucking world? What is wrong with you fucking people? (Not everyone, this is addressed to the lying fake ass bitches who make themselves feel better by making others feel small.)

It's not fair that the few fucking REAL people out there get shit on. And these people bitch about their lives? Well, excuse me oh mighty one, but not everything is about you. There are too many people that screw with the people they call "friends".

I'm tired of the people I love getting treated like shit. It makes me want to fucking push somebody's teeth in.

You know, I want to love people, I really do. I want to be unbiased. I want to see the best in them. But how the fuck can I, when every time I turn around there's some bitch making someone I love cry? Why do you insist on hurting people? Does it validate your life? Does it make your life fucking worth it? Does it make your existence worth while? Fuck no, you assholes.

I don't know if they find it fun or what. But it is not an accident! You do not make people feel like shit and it be an accident. And you do not make someone you love feel fucking stupid on accident.

I'm tired of having people do this to other people. What is wrong with humanity? I swear the older I get, the more fucked up and cruel the people around me get.

I want to cry for the people who get hurt. God, I don't even know who all of you are and I care about you all that much. Cause no one, and I mean NO ONE deserves to go through this.

I hate being far away. I wish I could just wrap my arms around these people and tell them it'll be okay.

If there are any of you out there that feel alone and just need a friend. Instant Message me, e-mail me, drop me a comment. Anything. I will not turn away from you. I may seem crazed... especially after this but I'm not. I just want to help.

I don't understand how people push away the people they love, because I know I need the people I love. I hope they need me too...


Whoo, that took a lot out of me. Now I need sleep.

On the lighter side, I may be upgrading to server... which means more money... so yay.

Thanks to you guys who are putting up with this, I've just been watching my friends get hurt lately and I don't like it at all.
15 July 2006 @ 10:54 pm
I realized tonight that I'm not one hundred percent better like I thought I was. I'm okay with that, but it was a little bit of a reality slap.

What I'm talking about is long and quite tiring, and while I explain some of you may lose interest and stop reading. I don't blame you. It's hard to read about people's lives when stuff is/was going wrong. I promise you I'm not like I was. In fact, I'm so much more of a happy person. But there's things that happen that make me wonder.

I haven't had an easy life. But no, I'm not going to bitch about how my life is the worst. Because I know that my life isn't. I know that there is worse, and I feel the greatest sense of compassion for these people who are suffering. I hope that one day, I will be able to contribute something to the world (though at this time I'm not sure what) that will brighten someone... anyone's life.

So the past is the past. I realize that. I realize that so many people have parents who get divorced. I know that there are people in the same boat as me. And while this fact doesn't pertain to the feeling I got tonight... it's still revelant because it molded me into the girl I was a few years ago. So afraid to trust anyone. So sure that nothing good came out of getting close to someone.

My father and I do not have a good relationship. Every major thing in his life has always been discussed in a by-the-way sort of tone. "By the way... Veronica and I got married two weeks ago in Las Vegas." He said from his cell phone at the bowling alley. And no, I'm not kidding that happened. That was a shock. My dad goes on vacation, comes back married..... to someone only 9 years older than me. Mind you my father is 45.. I'm 17. I know to some that isn't bad. But this is my dad. And what bothered me more was that he didn't tell me he was that serious about her. Then it was "By-the-way.. Veronica is pregnant..." He tells me months into the pregnancy. They wonder why I didn't really want to go to the hosipital. Perhaps it was because they didn't think enough to include me in anything else.

The only time my father wants anything to do with me is when he needs something. He wants a cd burned, he wants me to babysit, blah, blah. I've stopped doing favors for him a long time. I realize that nothing I do can buy his affection. It was stupid to ever think it could. But he's my dad. I know that in reality that means nothing. As I've said I realize others have worse situations, where their father is absent. But I thought my father loved me... until my parents divorced. I thought he loved me... up until the moment he told me he didn't care if I had to live on the street as long as he didn't have to pay my mom money... What a jackass. Honor thy father and mother my ass. (No offense) But shouldn't there also be something about, oh I don't know, not treating your children like shit?

It's not fair really. Everyone expects us to respect our parents. How can we when they don't respect us?

I think it's my trust issues that's made me quiet in school. I'm NOT SHY. I'm just quiet. I watch people. Not in a creepy way. But yeah. If anyone talks to me. I'll talk to them. I can hold my own in a conversation.

I can talk to anyone about anything. Philosophy. Art. Anime (yea, believe that or not.. I had a best friend who was obsessed with it once, so I even have a few mangas). Mythology. Poetry. Literature. Computers. Life. Death. Prospectives. Anything really.

It's just nobody really takes the time to listen.

I've went through depression. I've thought about suicide. I know how that feels. And now that I've been able to keep myself up, I like to help people. I'll give advice to those who need it, if they want it. I'm not going to impose myself on you. That's not who I am. But I'm here for anybody who needs a helping hand.

The hardest thing for me though, has been this little fact. The fact that every friend I've ever had has felt the need to compete with me. And when I succeed they get mad, when I fall behind they rub it into my face to make sure I know they did better. That has happened with pretty much everything I've ever done. When I was little I was so involved... till my "friends" started doing this to me. I think that's why I hate activities at school and such now. When I was little my friend and I tried out for cheerleading (I'll never do that again, trust me). I mean I was little. It would've been for the elementary starting for fun team. She made it, I didn't because I wasn't loud enough. She rubbed it in my face and rubbed it in and rubbed it in. Eventually it tore our friendship apart. Grades have torn some of my friendships apart. I'm 5th in my class, and I don't really even try in school. People get pissed at me for that. I AM NOT BRAGGING ON MYSELF. If you truely knew me, you'd know that I don't do that. In fact, I still have a general low self esteem. But that's my dad's fault (you'd have to hear the things he's said to me to understand). I guess in some ways it all comes back to my dad.

This happened with a best friend that I had and lost recently. There were two things that lead to this downfall, competition and her boyfriend. See, Krystel told me that she didn't think she could have a boyfriend and a best friend at the same time. Krystel got me into web design. Krystel taught me stuff I know. Krystel wanted me to be her sister site. Krystel got pissed when suddenly I was getting offers from people wanting me to do stuff for them. She said I was stealing her dream. Until she got mad at me, I was grateful that she had introduced me to something I found I really loved. But I guess that didn't matter. The only thing that did was that I was able to hold my own. I AM NOT SAYING I THINK MY STUFF IS LIKE UBER AWESOME. All I'm saying is that she had taught me all she could.

We really grew into this distant relationship. And when she posted those things in her deviant-art journal about me, it shattered our friendship.

It's my fault all the bad stuff in my life happens to me she says. I complain too much she says. I'm a failure she says. I'm a lousy friend she says.

I cried for days over that....

Because I loved her. Even after we had grown distant I still thought of her as my sissy. I guess a part of me was holding onto what used to be. But I realize that was hopeless.

I try not to let that journal entry still bother me. I know I didn't bring the near rape experience I had when I was 7. I know I didn't bring on my dad leaving. I know I didn't bring on her onslaught of betrayal. All I ever did was try to be a good friend to her, but that backfired.

If I can say anything about myself. It's that I'm loyal. I can't tell you what I'm really talented in, or other characteristics. Those are opinions, and frankly I never want to come off as stuck-up. I would never hurt one of my friends. Usually I end up doing everything I can to save a friendship. But of course it doesn't work.

Really what this entry was about is I realized that I'm not totally healed. I was reading Krystel's journal for some reason.. I don't know why. She was talking about how she wants to have someone to joke and laugh with. That used to be me.. I thought... and I thought you would still have that someone if you had put more effort into the relationship.

I found an e-mail printed out under my junk when Samie was here. It was all this stuff about how previous I was to her and how much she loved me. I don't understand how it's possible for something to change that drastically. I hate that it has sometimes.

I hate how unsure of everything I am. I hate that I worry about everything. I know, for one, that I'm going to have to start working on my AP summer work. I've done some of it, but anything that's unfinished has bothered me. I think I'm going to read One Day in the Life Of Ivan Denisovich in one night. I have the time... while I'm at my grandma's.

One the lighter note of things...

I want to go to Kohls. I want clothes. I want shoes. I want purses. I want vanity socks. I want earrings. I want to go to Claires too. I have a lace tunic, a cami, a blazer, a pair of shoes, a messenger bag and a purse coming in the mail. I can't wait to get it. But it's going to cost me money. I figure I can save enough to pay off my cell phone (which I just bought a little while ago... I have a pay as you go... and the bill I'm talking about was for buying the actual phone). Pay off that and my clothes. Then I'll just have the 750 for the trip to North Carolina to see Adam. That includes airfare, hotel and rental car. Plus I have 300 dollars thus far in spending and I know I won't use it all. I manage.

I'm tired right now. But I don't wanna sleep. And my head is so crowded with thoughts. Thoughts of this entry, of my website, of how I hope lack of comments doesn't get my booted off somebody's journal. I hate that I lost friends the last time I didn't update for a while. I had some stuff to deal with and it was sad to lose them. They commented like mad.

But I want to reassure you all. I am OKAY. Seriously. My mom is happy, and I am happy. I have Adam. I have Samie. I even have Marina (though she's in Germany.. I wish she wouldn't have went back, lol). But I am OKAY. I have found a perspective on life to just take things as they come.

Goals/Things to Do:

-Finish AP Summer Work
-Save money to buy back-to-school clothes etc. from Kohls, Bath and Body, Claires, Shoe World (I think that's the place in the mall? lol)
-Buy some blank cds.
-Lose 10 pounds
-Start on my TV Aholics site (which is a comprehensive VMars, Supernatual and SV fansite)
-Write in here regularly
-Raise my ACT to a 30 (I can do it!!! lol)
-Apply to Stark State
-Apply to Kent State
-Apply to Akron U
-Actually feel rested for one day in my life

Also I am still doing this, if any of you want to do the same
Pick a number between 1 and 180(I deleted one song) and I'll find the corresponding song in my playlist. I'll upload it for you (and everyone else reading this entry) to grab. When you've gotten a song from me, go post this meme in your own journal, so I can grab a random song from you!
I feel..::: complacentcomplacent
Rocking to:: : None
11 July 2006 @ 10:07 pm
I finally understand Donnie Darko.

Okay, so, long entry probably will follow below. I have so much to tell about. If you read it all, I'll give you candy. :-D lol, just kidding.

So as you all are probably aware Tuesday was work... I made an update about that earlier so I'll skip that and start with Wednesday.

Wednesday I had a Destination College meeting. We went to Akron University and did ACT prep and I worked with the big shots from Stan Hywet again. They ordered us pizza and pop and we got zip cards for Akron U to pay for our food while we're there. My picture on my zip card looks so retarded. Ha ha.

Then I came home and went with my mom to the grocery store after she got her car back from the shop. I bought Samie and I some stuff and such. Then I set up her room with the cot and a nice fan and everything.

Then Thursday was the day!! Yay!

I woke up at 8 am and we left at 9 am to meet them in Mansfield at the Cracker Barrell at 10:00 am to pick her up and then bring her back with us.

Thursday we went and got my mom's paycheck and then we went to the video store in Giant Eagle and also Blackbuster and got 3 movies. We got The Hill Have Eyes (which I already saw it in theaters but she hadn't seen it), Date Movie and Ginger Snaps 2 Unleashed. We watched The Hills Have Eyes too. Sat around and talked and crap. The Hills Have Eyes kinda freaked Samie out cause there's so much blood in it. We went to the drive-in and saw Superman Returns too. Which I didn't like the ending cause

*spoiler* Clark/Supmerman didn't end up with Lois Lane. *End spoiler*

On Friday we went to Firestone Metro Park and hiked a 1.1 mile trail. And we went though the e-check (to make sure the car is environmentally safe) for my mom's car. Which Samie had never been through one. Then we came home and watched Date Movie and Donnie Darko (which I'm obsessed with finding out the true meaning of Donnie Darko now). Then my mom went on a date and we were left alone and we ordered a ton of food. I mean we had a small sausage and pepperoni pizza, 4 pieces of fried chicken, 8 jojos, an order of french fires, jalapeno poppers, onion rings, and cheese sticks. But the funny part was when we were watching Ginger Snaps (the first one) and waiting for food the phone rings. The caller ID said it was a cell phone and I didn't recognize the number so I didn't answer it. But then the answering machine kicks on and it's like "This is Wings N' Things... I can't deliver your food... if you're there please pick up. Hello? Hello??" So I picked it up and somehow they had written that I lived on Fellow Street. And I don't even think a Fellow Street exists so we were making cracks all night about it. Don't ask it was just funny. And then we watched Ginger Snaps 2 and there's this part where she injects herself with this remedy that's supposed to cure you if your a werewolf and her arm swells up and it's pulsing and there's a hole in her arm. And it's funny cause the one dude (played by Eric Johnson who's Whitney from Smallville) and he was in it and he's like the uber perv. So then he takes her in the bedroom and Samie's like "Oh that's just wonderful... with a hole in the arm" and we cracked up. So bad. We goofed around and ate ice cream and laughed so hard. And Samie was doing the lawnmower dance haha. Then we went through my blank tapes to see what was on them and then my mom came home.

Saturday was busy too. We went to Lake Anne for an Arts festival and then we went on a 1.8 mile hike at The Gorge Metro Park (which there was rock climbing involved in this one.. and i mean literally) and then we went mini golfing (and I suck at it) and then we went to Eat N' Park for dinn.er Then we came home and gabbed and then went to my grandma's (which they're house is painted and it looks so different) and then we came home and watched How to Deal. And we were hyper so we were making more jokes. And we came to the conclusion that Trent Ford is a sexy beast. His name in How to Deal is Macon so we were calling him Macon Bacon and the scenes with the pot-smoking granny were hilarious and we watched Smallville too. And I was talking about Tom Welling's hotness. And then we went to bed cause we were dead tired.

I'll post pictures from all of this when I get them developed!

We took her back this morning really early and thus why I'm about ready to drop. I told my mom if I wasn't waiting for Adam to call I'd go take a nap. I have to do an essay tonight too. We stopped at Bob Evans on the way home so I'm soo hungry it's not even funny.

Sadly, the visitation of Samie is over and unfortunately for you I'm back. lol.

Next planned adventure= August 3. The Adam trip! Can't wait!

I feel..::: sleepy
Rocking to:: : Iris by Goo Goo Dolls
04 July 2006 @ 11:02 pm
AH! I'm going to pull a Michael Myers on the people next door. I can't sleep cause it's warm. I'm trying but eh. And they have air conditioning!
04 July 2006 @ 10:22 pm
So, I'm bad. Yes, I'm bad. And I'm updating when I should be sleeping. But I had to write about my day.

So first, I had a fucking rude awakening. I'm sleeping, all cozy in my air conditioned satellite capable room at my grandma's (lol, in some ways it's better than my room at home) and suddenly there's this huge blasting noise on the air conditioner. And I wake up and I'm like what the hell? It sounded like we were having a tsunami. lol. But here it was just these dudes pressure washing the house before they paint it Thursday. My grandparents are getting a new color, I picked it out, it's sweet. ^^ But I was like flipping out till I found out what was going on cause I looked out and all I saw was water, and there was a little water seeping in where the air conditioner didn't fill the window. You would've laughed at me. >.<

But then I made myself breakafast which was yum. And played cards with my grandparents. Let me just say this... it's a very easy way to earn a few extra bucks. lol. I ♥ my grandparents. They're amazing.

So then my mom came and got me. Cause stupid me doesn't have my license yet. I have a car, but no license. Does that make sense? Not really. >.<

Then at 5, I went to work. I loved work. That sounds so weird coming from me. But I did. We were having so much fun. We were so slow so we just had a good time. And this one lady asked me if we were on something. That was funny too. We were in the back dancing and singing disney songs and being corny. And then Marla told me something about the dude from the other night and the chicken.

HE CAME BACK. Lol, she said she was getting gas and she saw him go to Yocono's (which was closed up then) and he got out of his car and stood there and just stared at the resteraunt. She said he looked pissed and shocked. I find it hilarious! That's what you get you moronic dirty birdie! (if you don't get the dirty birdie thing ask or read Stephen King's Misery, lol)

But it was awesome. Yes, awesome work. I was only there 2 hours. And Keith scared the crap out of me. There's this one customer. He smells. So Keith came up behind me and grabbed the back of my shirt and like whispered in my ear "if you seat him in my section, I'll never talk to you again." But I love Keith. He's gay, and he's wonderful. I'd really like to be his friend outside of work. Cause he's my buddie. And he hugs me whenever I leave work, lol.

And Lauren's mom brought her some candy to work, so we were pigging out on sugar. It was great. And the GM, didn't even care. I love it when Michelle works. (his niece) Cause then we can do anything, haha.

We had McDonald's for supper. I was starving yum.

Then my mom called my grandpa to meet her down at Stan's Auto. Her speedometer on her car isn't working so she had to take it to the shop. But she needed a ride back from there. Well, unfortunately, see my grandpa has NPH, it's normal pressure hydrocephalus (spelling?) and his memory is bad. So even though he knew he was supposed to go to Stan's, he went to my work place. Which where he thought he was meeting my mom at my work, I don't know. But we couldn't find him. And I'm sitting outside our house with my cell in case he comes. My grandma is outside and my mom is driving all over the place trying to find him. Finally we did, and everything's fine. But I was SO scared. I love that man. My grandpa treats me better than my real dad does even. When I get married and if he's still able. I'd like him to walk me down the isle. My grandparents mean the world to me. They have done so much for me. And my grandpa would do anything for me. I'm about to cry just thinking about how sad it is that he has such a hard time understanding things. Hopefully if he goes for that surgery, it'll help him like it helped John's dad who had the same thing. >.<

So that was my depressing note... but I wanted to get it out.

Then my mom and I lit sparklers and danced around the yard. Yes, even my mom's weird. Maybe that's where I get it from. We played Uno and watched 16 blocks and made a night out of it. I even got my one author outline for my Summer AP work done! Go me! What a day!

Only 1 more day till Samie!

Remember people no comments till Sunday. I'll try so hard to comment everybody on Sunday. Cause I have to work Monday and Tuesday! But then I'm off for the rest of the week. Yay! lol.

I love you guys. Thanks for reading.

03 July 2006 @ 05:02 pm
My mom just informed me that I have a hole in the butt of my shorts... so bad, lol.
01 July 2006 @ 06:16 am
So, I'm sitting here and all of a sudden the chorus to Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls starts blasting. And I stop and am like ... er what the hell is that? (it about startled me into peeing my pants... but you know.. I didn't you know, lol)

Here it was my cell phone. So now I feel stupid. Haha.

♥ El
I feel..::: blank
Rocking to:: : .... To be announced
01 July 2006 @ 01:19 am
My Journal is:

Comment to Be Added

New Friends Welcome!

♥ El