I realized tonight that I'm not one hundred percent better like I thought I was. I'm okay with that, but it was a little bit of a reality slap.
What I'm talking about is long and quite tiring, and while I explain some of you may lose interest and stop reading. I don't blame you. It's hard to read about people's lives when stuff is/was going wrong. I promise you I'm not like I was. In fact, I'm so much more of a happy person. But there's things that happen that make me wonder.
I haven't had an easy life. But no, I'm not going to bitch about how my life is the worst. Because I know that my life isn't. I know that there is worse, and I feel the greatest sense of compassion for these people who are suffering. I hope that one day, I will be able to contribute something to the world (though at this time I'm not sure what) that will brighten someone... anyone's life.
So the past is the past. I realize that. I realize that so many people have parents who get divorced. I know that there are people in the same boat as me. And while this fact doesn't pertain to the feeling I got tonight... it's still revelant because it molded me into the girl I was a few years ago. So afraid to trust anyone. So sure that nothing good came out of getting close to someone.
My father and I do not have a good relationship. Every major thing in his life has always been discussed in a by-the-way sort of tone. "By the way... Veronica and I got married two weeks ago in Las Vegas." He said from his cell phone at the bowling alley. And no, I'm not kidding that happened. That was a shock. My dad goes on vacation, comes back married..... to someone only 9 years older than me. Mind you my father is 45.. I'm 17. I know to some that isn't bad. But this is my dad. And what bothered me more was that he didn't tell me he was that serious about her. Then it was "By-the-way.. Veronica is pregnant..." He tells me months into the pregnancy. They wonder why I didn't really want to go to the hosipital. Perhaps it was because they didn't think enough to include me in anything else.
The only time my father wants anything to do with me is when he needs something. He wants a cd burned, he wants me to babysit, blah, blah. I've stopped doing favors for him a long time. I realize that nothing I do can buy his affection. It was stupid to ever think it could. But he's my dad. I know that in reality that means nothing. As I've said I realize others have worse situations, where their father is absent. But I thought my father loved me... until my parents divorced. I thought he loved me... up until the moment he told me he didn't care if I had to live on the street as long as he didn't have to pay my mom money... What a jackass. Honor thy father and mother my ass. (No offense) But shouldn't there also be something about, oh I don't know, not treating your children like shit?
It's not fair really. Everyone expects us to respect our parents. How can we when they don't respect us?
I think it's my trust issues that's made me quiet in school. I'm NOT SHY. I'm just quiet. I watch people. Not in a creepy way. But yeah. If anyone talks to me. I'll talk to them. I can hold my own in a conversation.
I can talk to anyone about anything. Philosophy. Art. Anime (yea, believe that or not.. I had a best friend who was obsessed with it once, so I even have a few mangas). Mythology. Poetry. Literature. Computers. Life. Death. Prospectives. Anything really.
It's just nobody really takes the time to listen.
I've went through depression. I've thought about suicide. I know how that feels. And now that I've been able to keep myself up, I like to help people. I'll give advice to those who need it, if they want it. I'm not going to impose myself on you. That's not who I am. But I'm here for anybody who needs a helping hand.
The hardest thing for me though, has been this little fact. The fact that every friend I've ever had has felt the need to compete with me. And when I succeed they get mad, when I fall behind they rub it into my face to make sure I know they did better. That has happened with pretty much everything I've ever done. When I was little I was so involved... till my "friends" started doing this to me. I think that's why I hate activities at school and such now. When I was little my friend and I tried out for cheerleading (I'll never do that again, trust me). I mean I was little. It would've been for the elementary starting for fun team. She made it, I didn't because I wasn't loud enough. She rubbed it in my face and rubbed it in and rubbed it in. Eventually it tore our friendship apart. Grades have torn some of my friendships apart. I'm 5th in my class, and I don't really even try in school. People get pissed at me for that. I AM NOT BRAGGING ON MYSELF. If you truely knew me, you'd know that I don't do that. In fact, I still have a general low self esteem. But that's my dad's fault (you'd have to hear the things he's said to me to understand). I guess in some ways it all comes back to my dad.
This happened with a best friend that I had and lost recently. There were two things that lead to this downfall, competition and her boyfriend. See, Krystel told me that she didn't think she could have a boyfriend and a best friend at the same time. Krystel got me into web design. Krystel taught me stuff I know. Krystel wanted me to be her sister site. Krystel got pissed when suddenly I was getting offers from people wanting me to do stuff for them. She said I was stealing her dream. Until she got mad at me, I was grateful that she had introduced me to something I found I really loved. But I guess that didn't matter. The only thing that did was that I was able to hold my own. I AM NOT SAYING I THINK MY STUFF IS LIKE UBER AWESOME. All I'm saying is that she had taught me all she could.
We really grew into this distant relationship. And when she posted those things in her deviant-art journal about me, it shattered our friendship.
It's my fault all the bad stuff in my life happens to me she says. I complain too much she says. I'm a failure she says. I'm a lousy friend she says.
I cried for days over that....
Because I loved her. Even after we had grown distant I still thought of her as my sissy. I guess a part of me was holding onto what used to be. But I realize that was hopeless.
I try not to let that journal entry still bother me. I know I didn't bring the near rape experience I had when I was 7. I know I didn't bring on my dad leaving. I know I didn't bring on her onslaught of betrayal. All I ever did was try to be a good friend to her, but that backfired.
If I can say anything about myself. It's that I'm loyal. I can't tell you what I'm really talented in, or other characteristics. Those are opinions, and frankly I never want to come off as stuck-up. I would never hurt one of my friends. Usually I end up doing everything I can to save a friendship. But of course it doesn't work.
Really what this entry was about is I realized that I'm not totally healed. I was reading Krystel's journal for some reason.. I don't know why. She was talking about how she wants to have someone to joke and laugh with. That used to be me.. I thought... and I thought you would still have that someone if you had put more effort into the relationship.
I found an e-mail printed out under my junk when Samie was here. It was all this stuff about how previous I was to her and how much she loved me. I don't understand how it's possible for something to change that drastically. I hate that it has sometimes.
I hate how unsure of everything I am. I hate that I worry about everything. I know, for one, that I'm going to have to start working on my AP summer work. I've done some of it, but anything that's unfinished has bothered me. I think I'm going to read One Day in the Life Of Ivan Denisovich in one night. I have the time... while I'm at my grandma's.
One the lighter note of things...
I want to go to Kohls. I want clothes. I want shoes. I want purses. I want vanity socks. I want earrings. I want to go to Claires too. I have a lace tunic, a cami, a blazer, a pair of shoes, a messenger bag and a purse coming in the mail. I can't wait to get it. But it's going to cost me money. I figure I can save enough to pay off my cell phone (which I just bought a little while ago... I have a pay as you go... and the bill I'm talking about was for buying the actual phone). Pay off that and my clothes. Then I'll just have the 750 for the trip to North Carolina to see Adam. That includes airfare, hotel and rental car. Plus I have 300 dollars thus far in spending and I know I won't use it all. I manage.
I'm tired right now. But I don't wanna sleep. And my head is so crowded with thoughts. Thoughts of this entry, of my website, of how I hope lack of comments doesn't get my booted off somebody's journal. I hate that I lost friends the last time I didn't update for a while. I had some stuff to deal with and it was sad to lose them. They commented like mad.
But I want to reassure you all. I am OKAY. Seriously. My mom is happy, and I am happy. I have Adam. I have Samie. I even have Marina (though she's in Germany.. I wish she wouldn't have went back, lol). But I am OKAY. I have found a perspective on life to just take things as they come.
Goals/Things to Do:
-Finish AP Summer Work
-Save money to buy back-to-school clothes etc. from Kohls, Bath and Body, Claires, Shoe World (I think that's the place in the mall? lol)
-Buy some blank cds.
-Lose 10 pounds
-Start on my TV Aholics site (which is a comprehensive VMars, Supernatual and SV fansite)
-Write in here regularly
-Raise my ACT to a 30 (I can do it!!! lol)
-Apply to Stark State
-Apply to Kent State
-Apply to Akron U
-Actually feel rested for one day in my life
Also I am still doing this, if any of you want to do the same
Pick a number between 1 and 180(I deleted one song) and I'll find the corresponding song in my playlist. I'll upload it for you (and everyone else reading this entry) to grab. When you've gotten a song from me, go post this meme in your own journal, so I can grab a random song from you!
Rocking to:: : None